tv show

I am not a fan of reality tv. I never watch those kinds of shows. But Undercover Boss caught my attention. I just watched this episode in its entirely online. I was very moved by the concept and the experience of all those involved. What great tv!

knowing my place

I forgot. I thought I was going to the beach with friends do to art for the weekend. I was not. I am really just a paying client, and not a very good one of those. Sometimes I get so caught up in being friends with people who run things or are in charge of activities/organizations/events, etc. that I forget who I am. I get all excited and so forth about doing something with people who I think are my equals that I forget that I'm really not their equal. I don't make as much money. I don't have as much free time. I don't have their kind of lifestyle (disposable income and disposable time). I don't have the luxuries they have. I am close to poor (not abject poverty, but definitely the lower end of middle class or the upper end of poor); I am the mother of small children; I am a caregiver first and foremost. I don't get the kind of breaks that others who are not caregivers have. I can't afford to pay someone else to be a caregiver on my behalf, so I do it myself. That puts me in a certain class of people. Perhaps an admired one, but certainly not a compensated nor an envied one. I really shouldn't go thinking I'm above my station in life.

I also live with chronic insomnia and long-term sleep deprivation as a result of having small children for whom I am care. Neither of my children are great sleepers (one doesn't want to go to sleep, the other can't stay asleep). They have both improved. Tremendously. But I cannot predict when I will get a good night's sleep and when I won't. I don't know what kind of day I'll have as I never know what the night before will bring. I won't know until the morning of each day whether or not I'll have enough functionality to drive more than a couple of hours from where I woke up or if I'll be able to accomplish all I want to do that day. It is hard to live on such a short-term schedule, but such is my life at this stage. Perhaps one day we'll all sleep and I'll have my life back. Until then I'd be well advised not to do any long-term planning that depends on me functioning fully for an entire day.

My place is of servant/caregiver right now. Mostly to my family. I need to remember that I will not always have this joy and responsibility and burden. I should stay in my place and enjoy it.

sleep is so important

Less than 6 hours of sleep in 3 of the past 5 nights = me beginning to shut down. Can't keep on like this. Need E to STOP waking me up at 3:30 or 4am.

nothing new for now

What I am learning about myself right now is that I am moving back into my Introvert nature. I've spent 20ish years being an Extrovert. It has exhausted me. Talking has exhausted me. Keeping up "the conversation" with whomever I'm with has exhausted me. Feeling like I'm always "on" or that I'm the Mistress of Ceremonies at every gathering I'm in (PTA, church, Moms' Night Out, family gatherings, etc.) all the time exhausts me. People have exhausted me. My children have exhausted and continue to drain every bit of energy I have.

I just can't take any more people. or stores. or deals. or activities. or crises. or health issues. or new meals/dishes to plan/make. or new crafts to start doing. or any other ways to record our household finances (despite the fact that I hate my current system). or any other books or articles, etc. to read (I have just given myself permission to NOT read the entire newspaper every day of the week, having already told myself 8 months ago it was ok not to read Newsweek each week). or anything else new.

sabbatical

I think I'm going to take a break from extreme couponing and bargain hunting. for a little while at least. probably for the month of February. it's not a month known for it's good deals anyway. I really don't want to quit my job of saving money, so I think I'm going to think in terms of it being a sabbatical.

Mostly I want to see if I can use the 9 hours of child-free time I get during the week to try and make money instead of spending those 9 hours of precious time saving money. Instead of chasing deals at 6 grocery stores, 3 drug stores and 4 Targets, I think I'll concentrate on marketing my nonprofit's programs or creating more "stock" for my small business or actually submitting for publication some of the zillion essays I've written. Perhaps it will all come out in the wash, but I want to give it a chance just to see what happens.

So, tomorrow, after E is at preschool, I think I'll come home, have a cup of tea, and do something productive either craft-wise or nonprofit-wise. I'll go to my doctor's appointment mid-morning and return home, not running in a couple of stores, just because I'm in that neighborhood. Then on Friday I can do my grocery shopping. at only one store (ok, probably two).

boots

What's up with children's boots that aren't waterproof? What is the point of having boots for kids if they aren't going to repel water? Children don't wear boots in the sunshine.

I'm a geek

The promotional video is amazing! I want an iPad sooooo bad. It's like an iPhone the size of my laptop screen. It's like a laptop without the physical keyboard. oh my god, it's so cool!

I don't even need one, but I want one. Seriously. My children will never have laptops; by the time they are ready for a personal computer, they will have something like the iPad.

I love the future.

internet community

I belong to two very different internet message boards. Both of them are driving me crazy, and I realized this morning just how angry the debates/discussions on each board are making me. It's time to step away from the internet world for a bit. Which makes me sad. Because both groups are very much a Community for me. I feel like I'm losing something by walking away. But it is too hard to articulate my frustrations and point of view in a virtual setting.